theJDman State of Mind

Reader Comments and The Truth about Starting Over

Reader Warning: This Post does contain many objectionable terms and sentiments. If you feel that you might be offended, It's in your best interest to skip this one.


"Really JD? Lost's Kate looks like Amy Grant? Is that what we can expect from the website? Lately it's all been Lost and other pop culture horseshit. Where is there any kind of substance in any of this shit and what does it have to do with starting over just like it says in your little slogan. I am all done with this website and with you."

That was one of five emails I received in the time between this Post and the last one with the sentiment being the same. The truth is that beside a few family members there are seven people who read and give feedback to me about this Blog; As far as I know those are the only people who ever read this Blog if you don't count the average person that accidentally comes across here. Maybe Christopher's right, NO FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!!! This is my Blog, if I want to put up pictures of naked girls eating cheesecake then I will, if I want to complain about the cops in my town than I will, and if I want I will put up pictures of Amy Grant and Evangeline Lilly than I will... And if you don't like it than YOU CAN FUCKING WALK!!!!!!!
You want to know what my life is like, what it's like to get back to normal, to start over? Start over; How in the hell can I start over when this thing never ended. It's not like the Doctor can push a button to eject the broken Liver and put a new one in, doesn't work that way; In fact getting the transplant and living through it was the easy part. I had two cases of organ rejection, a case of CMV(constant puking where you need to eat or you'll vomit important body fluids), a month long of non-stop major back pain when it hurt to do anything, 2 seizers that were really bad(so I'm told, can't remember either one) right after the operation, going through tons of different meds to find the correct mixture including several headache ones with not one that actually works, and last but not least a non-stop headache that feels like somebody trying to crush your head in on a good day, on a bad day it's 5x worse to the point it even hurts to breath. Do you know what the worst part is, everybody thinks after you get the new Liver, it's over and everything will go back to the way it was, and then there's a lot of people don't see you as you anymore, you're that transplant guy or Frankenstein(which pisses me right the fuck off, it's not like I needed to hear any of you speak to know that were nothing but a group of Dicks).
Some days, I don't know; For years I didn't do any activities, didn't have any friends,no girlfriend... I was there but I also didn't exist, and it was that way for years. Then Senior year arrived and all of a sudden it was a united Senior class, so suddenly I was OK... NO FUCK THAT!!!!!! Then the head cheerleader talked to be about Graduation and I told her,"to take all your Graduation bull and stick it up your ass."(I shouldn't have done that, she never said a mean word to me) then I left. After School I didn't have to be around people so I wasn't. It was during this time when my Sister signed up for the Exchange Student program and there was a student from Germany named Barbara around; She's the nicest person I ever met in my entire life and God do I miss her, everyday. Then things go back to normal again, and during the course of a year I'm in and out of several clinics until one doctor finds it, Liver chrossiss and If I didn't get a transplant, it was game over. Right there, in that moment was my way out; outside of my family there was nothing, nothing to lose, no reason to stay, no friends to miss me, wasn't making my mark on the world. I decided to go for a transplant, and did it for only two reasons. First is I needed to make sure my Nieces would have an Uncle, a real one and not just a relative you see once a year at Christmas. Second during talks with the Doctor he talked about several characteristics of people are affected by this condition, I had this my entire life and getting worse each year; That's it! That's what kept me from getting friends, ambition to get started in life, ambition to be a writer. I always believed it was my destiny to be a writer and to create the greatest television show ever made, something that was so beloved it would be the one thing people would associate with me and would be on my gravestone. And now about five years out I know that's not the case, I don't know. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, I mean maybe the next guy in line would have done better, have a better life and be more deserving to live than me. It doesn't seem right that somebody had to die so I could live, there are some nights that I think about it and the guilt keeps me up all night.

I made the choice to live and that's it, I don't get to change my mind because It's not just my life I'm wasting, but also somebody who wanted their death to mean something, my death can mean life for another. The truth is I know I'm alive for a reason, there is something of great importance that I have to do... I just wish I knew what it was so things wouldn't seem so pointless. So there it is, if that's what you wanted you can go now. For anybody else who wants to know what to expect from this Blog, read the last three years of material and expect more of the same. As for now I need to get to bed, my Nieces are coming over for a Saturday with Uncle Anthony.


Before I end this post I would like to give thanks for those people that I've meet and talked with(some more than others) and those who I've re-connected with in the last five years. Thank you for all sharing some of your time with me.
MsSeptembr1984, your Blog has the best title of all time: True Stories I Made Up
Sherry75, thank you for letting me beat you for that round in DOA4(you know the one I'm talking about)
Teresa Woodside, thank you for proving that not everybody in our class was a Jerk(just more than it's fair share).
Christina Mason/Bernard, you're the first truly talented I met on the Internet, I hope your dreams come true(and thanks for your Cowboy Heel).
Deceiver, one of the first Blogs I came across that wasn't an average everyday Blog. You have an insight and eye for catching and conveying an emotion(even in a picture where you wouldn't expect to feel one) and I hope all goes well with School and Graduation(or at least better than mine did).
Donald, Donald, Donald, I can't even say your name without cracking up. Donald is Lost Podcast is better than Lost has been this year(don't get a big head over it, you know it's only because Emile DeRaven isn't on this year). "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T LISTEN TO!" Yes!!!! I finally got to say the line.
And thank you for reading this, letting me get a chance to vent. I promise something more lighthearted and funny(OK I'll try to be funny) next time. Later...

theJDman

"It's been a long road, getting from there to here.
It's been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now.
Nothing's in my way.
And they're not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna hold me down."

posted by theJDman @ 9:36 PM